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What can you say about getting older. It's unavoidable. One of the many changes which the human needs to adjust to as he/she travels the road of life. Some people say that the older they get the happier they get. After all, with increased age comes increased wisdom (hopefully, though not necessarily). Some refer to old age as the "golden years", that time when one can supposedly sit back and maybe take it easy after a busy and fulfilling life. Maybe one's perception of old age is really based on that particular person's optimistic or pessimistic personality. Admittedly, I can scrounge up a few advantages to having gotten older, but to be perfectly honest, there is very little much I enjoy about it! If given the choice to grow old or not, I wonder how many of us would choose to! There is very little I enjoy about getting older! In fact, there is quite a bit I dislike about aging, like the following;
*** My body has betrayed me! It just doesn't work like it used to! I can't eat what I used to or else I suffer with obesity and/or indigestion. My teeth are bad, my eyes have gotten worse, if I stay stationary in one position too long parts of my body go to sleep that I didn't even think were possible to go to sleep, and those pretty young girls you run into now and then refer to you as "sir" or "mister"! My goodness - how sad is that?
*** I now have hair growing on parts of body which I didn't believe could grow hair! My GOD, what's with the hair in my ears!?! Now why would GOD have intended that to happen? Was HE afraid my ears would get too cold and decided to blanket them with human fur? Sometimes I think he does things like that, and sits back chuckling to see how I react!
*** Various growths pop up on parts of my body surprising me most mornings as I make my daily check to see what I have metamorphosized into today! Another perverse joke by the almighty one!?
*** My relationship with the world has changed in ways I never thought possible. As I grow older the world which I felt I owned, now seems less mine! Where are the friends I had? Moved or died. Where are my parents. Dead! Where are those hippies I used to hang with as we protested Vietnam? Do we really have McDonald s in Vietnam now? Amazing! The movies have changed, the familiar actors and actresses are gone from sight replaced by different folk! Like the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Where are they all now? Heck, even "The Invasion of the body Snatchers" has been remade - 4 times now?!?
No, I'm not gonna try get redone. I'm not gonna blow what money I have to look younger. That's a constant battle, a battle where there truly is no winning! No, I'll keep on accepting the inevitable, I'll continue to try and adjust knowing I NEVER will completely! I think if there is one thing worse then getting older, it's getting older and bombarding yourself with creams, dyes, and other products and refusing to accept those old age changes. Seems to make more sense to work on the inner you then the outer. As is usually the case, it is a good and valuable lesson that we do not take ourselves (and often times, our "situations") too seriously. If we shouldn't cry at our situations (and really, what good will it do us anyway?), then perhaps we should laugh at them. Many of the items that follow are examples by others discovered on the internet of the lighter side of getting older. Have a good laugh my friends - at our expense!
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When Does Someone Attain Old Age?
Old Age is really a social category that is defined differently by various cultures. In the United States, we define old in a number of ways.
Rather than lumping everyone past a certain age as old, some social gerontologists make a distinction between the young-old (ages fifty-five to seventy-four) and the old-old (ages seventy-five and older). Still other gerontologists add a middle-old category between the young-old and the old-old categories.
However the aged are categorized, aging is a highly individual experience. Chronological age may differ considerably from a persons functional age, and age-related changes occur at different rates for different persons. Age-related changes don't begin at the same time nor do they all occur simultaneously. Changes as we age are normal and occur in all five senses.
Typically, the beginnings of change in the five senses are as follows.
This is not to suggest, however, that a person experiences changes in any particular order. People may, for example, experience vision problems with no noticeable loss of hearing. Furthermore, some people advance into their later years with little or no perceptible losses in their five senses. Also, because individuals cope differently, the effect of those aging losses differs with individuals. Generally, however, it can be said, that:
Whatever changes come with aging, most older adults are in relatively good health. Physiological, sensory, emotional, and physical changes do occur, but the human body and a person�s ingenious method of compensation often allow the older person to successfully function in today's complex world.
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Old Age is really a social category that is defined differently by various cultures. In the United States, we define old in a number of ways.
- Age 40 is the age at and beyond which a person may not be discriminated against in employment. (Age Discrimination in Employment Act ADEA)
- Age 55 is the age at which low income individuals might qualify for subsidized employment and learn new work skills. (Title V of the Older Americans Act)
- Age 60 is the age of eligibility for Older Americans Act services. Due to limited funding, however, services tend to be targeted to those aged who are most needy. (Older Americans Act of 1965)
- Age 62 is the age at which persons can take early retirement. (The Social Security Act)
- Age 65 has been the traditional age for full retirement. However, because of longer life expectancies, the full retirement age is increasing for people born after 1938. Full retirement now goes from 65 to 67 depending upon the year of your birth. (The Social Security Act)
- Age 70 has been used as a mandatory retirement for the members of some professions.
Rather than lumping everyone past a certain age as old, some social gerontologists make a distinction between the young-old (ages fifty-five to seventy-four) and the old-old (ages seventy-five and older). Still other gerontologists add a middle-old category between the young-old and the old-old categories.
However the aged are categorized, aging is a highly individual experience. Chronological age may differ considerably from a persons functional age, and age-related changes occur at different rates for different persons. Age-related changes don't begin at the same time nor do they all occur simultaneously. Changes as we age are normal and occur in all five senses.
Typically, the beginnings of change in the five senses are as follows.
- Hearing the mid 40s
- Vision the mid 50s
- Touch the mid 50s
- Taste the late 50s
- Smell the mid 70s
This is not to suggest, however, that a person experiences changes in any particular order. People may, for example, experience vision problems with no noticeable loss of hearing. Furthermore, some people advance into their later years with little or no perceptible losses in their five senses. Also, because individuals cope differently, the effect of those aging losses differs with individuals. Generally, however, it can be said, that:
- Age-related changes within any one individual can differ greatly. For instance, intelligence and memory change in a complex manner rather than generalized declines.
- Age-related changes differ greatly from one individual to another in the same manner as each person differs from one another while moving from infancy to maturity.
- No sharp differences occur either physically or psychologically when a person reaches 65 years of age. Absolutely no clinical evidence exists for selecting this chronological age as a retirement age.
- Some impairments and deficiencies do occur as a person ages, but the person often finds ways of adjusting and compensating.
Whatever changes come with aging, most older adults are in relatively good health. Physiological, sensory, emotional, and physical changes do occur, but the human body and a person�s ingenious method of compensation often allow the older person to successfully function in today's complex world.
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YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT!
We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock. - - - - Dave Allen When you reach forty you can’t do anything every day. - - - - Henry “Hank” Aaron When you are forty, half of you belongs to the past... And when you are seventy, nearly all of you. - - - - Jean Anouilh I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. - - - - Lady Nancy Astor The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - - - - Lucille Ball If I were younger, I'd know more. - - - - James Barrie A man is not old until his regrets take the place of dreams. - - - - John Barrymore, "Good Night, Sweet Prince" 1943 To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am. - - - - Bernard M. Baruch Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. The last of life, for which the first was made. - - - - Robert Browning “'Rabbi Ben Ezra” What Youth deemed crystal, Age finds out was dew. - - - - Robert Browning Years steal Fire from the mind as vigor from the limb, And life's enchanted cup but sparkles near the brim. - - - - George Gordon, Lord Byron “Childe Harold's Pilgrimage” Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. - - - - Coco Chanel I prefer old age to the alternative. - - - - Maurice Chevalier One keeps on forgetting old age up to the very brink of the grave. - - - - Colette Old age is no place for sissies. - - - - Bette Davis As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish. - - - - François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. - - - - T. S. Eliot “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” We do not count a man's years until he has nothing else to count. - - - - Ralph Waldo Emerson If youth but knew; if age but could. - - - - Henri Estienne At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty the wit; at forty the judgment. - - - - Benjamin Franklin Men, like peaches and pears, grow sweet a little while before they begin to decay. - - - - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. Old age is like an opium dream. Nothing seems real except the unreal. - - - - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - - - - Bob Hope After a man passes sixty, his mischief is mainly in his head. - - - - Edgar Watson Howe |
I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower. - - - - Gypsy Rose Lee For age is opportunity no less Than youth itself, though in another dress, And as the evening twilight fades away, The sky is filled with stars invisible by day. - - - - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow "Morituri Salutamus" 1875 After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. - - - - Bette Midler At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves. - - - - George Orwell Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. - - - - Satchel Paige How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? - - - - Satchel Paige Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s more often a succession of jerks. - - - - Jean Rhys Old Age: First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. - - - - Leo Rosenberg Some reckon their age by years, Some measure their life by art; But some tell their days by the flow of their tears And their lives by the moans of their hearts. - - - - Abram Joseph Ryan Every man over forty is a scoundrel. - - - - George Bernard Shaw “Maxims for Revolutionists” When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces. Women just go right on cooking. - - - - Gail Sheehy Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.” Said the old man, “I do that too.” The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.” “I do that too,” laughed the old man.” Said the little boy, “I often cry.” The old man nodded, “So do I.” “But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.” And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand. “I know what you mean,” said the old man. - - - - Shel Silverstein Youth is the time for adventures of the body, but age for the triumphs of the mind. - - - - Logan Pearsall Smith Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man. - - - - Leon Trotsky Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting out ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. - - - - Samuel Ullman True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. - - - - Kurt Vonnegut Be wise with speed; A fool at forty is a fool indeed. - - - - Edward Young Like our shadows, Our wishes lengthen as our sun declines. - - - - Edward Young “Night Thoughts” We have a saying in the movement that we don't trust anybody over thirty. - - - - Jack Weinberg The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - - - - Oscar Wilde |
The Four Stages of Life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus
1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus
How do YOU know you're over fifty?
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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup." 8. You go from 130 days of summer vacation to 14 days of paid vacation. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." |
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#ing kids next door won't turn down their stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps from noon to 3 PM on the weekends. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. |
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink water and health juices at home and only one glass of wine at the bar. |
The Parrot
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
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Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your back goes out more than you do. The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals. You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before. You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before. You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. It takes twice as long to look half as good. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" You can live without sex but not without glasses. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style. You look forward to a dull evening. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.The pharmacist has become your new best friend. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. You start video taping daytime game shows. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time. You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture. Happy hour is a nap. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat. You sing along with the elevator music. You are proud of your lawn mower. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. |
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good. Your childhood toys are now in a museum. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV! Your new easy chair has more options than your car. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments." You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You take a metal detector to the beach. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You don't remember being absentminded. You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more. Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer. Your drugs of preference are now vitamins. |
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer 'promising'. Younger men ask you for advice. You work on your short game. Youthful injuries return with a vengeance. Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits. You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car. Your medical expenses go up 50%. A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm. You learn where your prostrate is. You develop a knack for wearing hats. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable urge. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today". You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist and 96 around the golf course. Your back goes out more than you do. A fortune teller offers to read your face. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty face. The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. |
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game. The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket. You tip more and carry less. You read more and remember less. You get propositioned by AARP. Younger women start opening doors for you. |